Personal Sabotage vs. Personal Responsibility

Last Monday marked the end of the half-way point for my “Bridging the Wellness Gap” journey.  I know at this juncture, I am not where I want or where I need to be.  Shared with the group last Saturday, I feel behind and overwhelmed.  Struggling with the following:

  • Nutrition –Seriously, in Dreamland, if I eat 1/2 of a sleeve of Thin Mints (one of the best Girl Scout cookies out there) it is equivalent to running the New York Marathon.
  • Exercise –Love the way it makes me feel when I do it, it’s just taking the time to get it done where I struggle.
  • Meditation –Now that I’m working, I am finding less time for God – how pathetic is that?!?  Listened to Matt (Lead Pastor) this morning, and my heart resonated with every word he spoke.  So many times, my prayers begin with “God, reveal to me Your heart’s desire, Your will, Your love for others, etc.”

Going deeper with the struggle means acknowledging this:  my reality and my vision do not align.  In my perfect world, I never cheat.  I never indulge.  Chris Roche keeps asking about the ‘why’ behind the warped vision.  Why is it not okay to indulge in a cookie or two, as long as I don’t eat the whole sleeve?  My brilliant answer (now that I have had time to reflect):  because if I really believe I can do all things through Christ.  Then, I can do all things.  Not some things, some times.  Not some things, part of the time.  All things.  I am disciplined.  I am strong.  Anything else seems weak to me.  In any other scenario, I am placing my desires above the directives of God.

I can be sold out and on fire for living within a caloric budget and eating from a list of suggested foods.  Then, for some reason beyond my current comprehension, I blow it.  When I do this, the pendulum swings to the extreme.  Already ate three Thin Mints, so I might as well eat three more.  This is personal sabotage and my own private Hell.  Trying to understand the ‘why’ behind this extremism is more difficult for me.

To be ‘responsible’ means “able to answer for one’s conduct and obligations: trustworthy,” and “able to choose for oneself between right and wrong.”  I am personally responsible for everything that God entrusts to my care.  This seems all inclusive to me.

I am not looking for a way out.  Rather, I am seeking the truth.  The relentless pursuit of truth will bring personal responsibility to the forefront.  Everyone has their ‘it.’  For some it may be money, for others it may be safety, for others it may be a certain rung on the corporate ladder.  For me, ‘it’ is ‘trust.’  I always want to be worthy of trust.  Trust means everything to me.  So, knowing that I am not where I want to be, I do not feel worthy of trust.  That reality causes great shame.  This is my ‘aha’ moment of the week.  Now, what to do about it.  Initial thoughts seem too simplistic, but they do reflect where I am at this moment.

Time is a precious commodity.  Every day I have the same amount of time as everyone else – 86,400 seconds to divide among everything that seeks my attention.  I need to accept personal responsibility for those seconds.  Do I spend them with energy and enthusiasm for whatever life sends my way?  If the answer is no, then what can I do about it?  I can choose more wisely in this moment than in the previous ones.  I can exercise.  I can accept new mercies.  I can forgive myself and others.  I can ‘be still and know.’  I can indulge in laughter with Sarah.  I can giggle when I hear my husband read to her in his special voices.  I can live in this moment, not worrying about what I didn’t do yesterday or what I should do tomorrow.  I can learn.  I can and I will.

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This entry was posted in 02 (Feb), 2011. Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to Personal Sabotage vs. Personal Responsibility

  1. Rob Johansen says:

    This is a wonderful an intense post….I am touched by how deeply you feel and think about this process you are going through during the Project.

    Here’s my layman’s two cents: Didn’t God also put desire in you? If you are a creature of God, then I think the desire for thin mints is cool and should be answered with some thin mints! I bet you eat more than just a few to shame yourself, which is not serving your desires.

    To put it simply, you need to release your shaming of yourself….no matter what you do. No good comes from it. Believe me, I am still struggling with that issue of self-shaming, but I feel I have made good progress.

    It sounds to me like you are doing very well. And trying to be “perfect” is only going to get the shaming up again. What is perfect anyway? Whatever it is, it is RARE. And if we lived it every day, I think we’d go crazy. So live for doing your best, and accept your humanity without shame.

    Again, just my two cents. I know I’m not in the center of your Project experience…it is a personal journey….but from the outside it seems to me you are doing well.

    Peace,

    Rob

    • sardeel says:

      Rob, thanks for the encouragement. You are right. The standards to which I hold myself are not realistic or sustainable, so, yes, I shame myself. This is what I will ponder today, ‘so live for doing your best, and accept your humanity without shame.’ I want to ‘do my best’ always. Work in progress, but I am making progress… for that I am grateful.

      Can’t thank you enough for your insight – valuable, helpful, refreshing! Appreciate that you took the time. Blessings to you and yours!

      • Rob Johansen says:

        Thanks for writing me back!

        It’s cool…and frustrating…to think that we are all works in progress till the day we die. After that, maybe they’ll be some perfection, but I don’t know! Would heaven be as much fun if it weren’t still about the journey and work? We’ll see……
        Blessings to you and your family as well.
        xoxo
        Rob

  2. Chris says:

    Sonia – thanks for posting your thoughts and for being so open and honest in a format where all can take in what you are thinking/feeling. That, in and of itself is a huge deal as this sets you up to be judged by others and criticized; or, in this case, to get some support, guidance, insight and love. Either way, it takes a great deal of courage to put it out there so I hope you own that and know that if you have the courage to be so open, you have what it takes to come into a better relationship with your challenge.

    I’m glad you are hearing what Rob is saying and really taking it to heart… because he is 100% accurate.

    Rob – spot on, Brother. Can’t thank you enough for taking the time to share your insights with Sonia. In all honesty, you said it better than I could have and it really touches me to see how much you have grown and progressed in your Walk.

    Peace,
    Chris

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